I'm just about human these days, with the help of a support group and a bit of time. I had a good chat with the consultant at our more local clinic, who helped me to feel that our original post-mega-cycle plan (the one we were going to follow if it turned out all my eggs were duff, like I thought they would be) is still reasonable. So we're back to the idea of having a hysteroscopy and an endometrial biopsy followed (depending on the outcomes) by a cycle with donor eggs.
Before I can have the hysteroscopy though, I need a 24 hour heart monitor to make sure the palpitations (which I'm still having occasionally) are nothing sinister (oh please G*d, let them not be!) and for my blood pressure to stay normal for a while. The beta blockers didn't seem to be helping a lot, until I realised that my GP had me on a starting dose - which you're meant to work up from. I'm still not quite up to the minimum maintenance dose now, and the BP is definitely lower.
Bizarrely, having upped the dose just before Christmas, my BP went down to a great level for about three days over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day - normally a relatively stressful time. Then it started to go back up again, until, by the end of the holiday, it was nearly back at borderline/high. And then the very wierdest thing happened: I went back to work and it started to go down again. I'm fairly sure most medics wouldn't recommend spending 6 hours a day, 5 days a week with 25 five and six year olds as a way of lowering your blood pressure, but for some strange reason, it seems to help mine - I suspect it's the constant exercise and the lack of opportunity to eat, as it can't be the lack of stress!!
So, we have a plan - one that isn't age dependent for a change, which is just as well because I turn forty in about three weeks. Ugh! Not a good age in this IF/mc business! Still, I'm taking deep breaths and I've been practising being forty for a wee while - anytime it's come up in the last six months, I've said I'm forty (as long as it isn't anything official, you understand - that would be silly!). I'm hoping it'll ease me in and I'll avoid the nasty shock my husband got when he turned forty - he was just about getting over it as he turned forty-one.
I'm celebrating by heading to one of my favourite cities with my husband and Mum and Dad, and meeting us there will be my wee sister and her husband and kids and my best friend and her husband and kids. The grown-up girls have a spa afternoon planned and we have meal booked at a hotel near the B&B we're ALL staying in. I'm a bit worried about all the family stuff - nothing like having your nearest and dearest turning up with their kids to throw in to contrast your lack thereof - but I love them, and the weekend wouldn't be the same without them. The really major fly in the ointment might the arrival at the meal of a good friend and his wife. They live nearby, and it'll be lovely to see them, but I'm really worried they may have "baby news" and that would wreck my night. We'll see - it's too late to uninvite them. I'll just have to be a grown-up - since I'm forty!
"I woke up so sad this morning"
10 hours ago