Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Here We Go Again!

I picked up the meds for our FET today. Gulp.

My period is due sometime this week. Transfer - if we have anything to transfer - will likely be in about 2 weeks time. We have three good embryos frozen, we will defrost all three, try to take them to day 5 and, if any of them get that far, transfer the best. If either or both of the others survive and look good enough, we will refreeze them in case this cycle doesn't work.

They may not survive the thaw. If they do, they may not survive to day 5. If they do, it may not implant (strictly single embryo transfer for this 44 year old, high-risk mum with post-birth prolapse!). If it does, it may still miscarry. Etc, etc, etc. I know what can go wrong - and I know that things can go wrong that you don't even think of.

My biggest fear is that I do get pregnant and one of us (or both) doesn't survive - but that is every mum's worst fear, isn't it? There are many others, involving health, money, stamina, work and family. The last time, I felt like I had nothing to lose - this time it feels like everything. I am happy, mostly. I am mummy to an amazing little boy - which is all I ever wanted. So why do this? I am risking it for him - to give him a sibling (a full sibling, as the embryos are from the same batch as him - although I am less and less convinced that this matters - family comes in many forms). And for them, the embryos. I am not a religious person but I cannot bring myself to sign a form and allow the embryos to "perish". They exist because of us and I feel like we owe them a chance.

I have no idea how I'm going to feel about either a BFN or a BFP. I imagine a BFN will leave me sad and disappointed but a little relieved - infertility and miscarriage has been a ten year journey and I am ready for it to be over. A BFP might be exciting but terrifying. Who knows?! Let's wait and see . . .

2 comments:

Journey Girl said...

Oh wow - big decision!!! I felt exactly the same way, the second time is such a risk because of what we now have and could lose. I am with you every step of the way, cheering you on. There is so much that could go wrong but hopefully, it will all go right!!!

Good luck and let us know what is going on, I am so excited for you!!

Rebecca said...

Ok, so I should have kept reading before I asked how you were feeling about the cycle in the comment on your most recent post. I hear what you mean about being ready for this particular part of the journey to be over...